by E.P. Lande
“What would you say to all of us spending a week together in Tuscany?” Aaron’s mother asked him.
“That would be great, Mom, but who do you mean by ‘all of us’?”
“It would just be you four children … and, of course, Nathan’s latest … I can’t remember her name … and I thought Jeanne should be included.” Nathan had been married so many times, it was hard keeping track of who was his latest. As for Jeanne, Aaron’s former wife, the mother liked her.
“What about the grandchildren?” Rachel always insisted that hers be included, whenever.
“I fear grandchildren would change the dynamics. No, it should be simply you, Jeanne, Nathan, Rachel, and Margaret ….”
“And Nathan’s latest,” Aaron added.
“I’ll ask Margaret to look into villas in the proximity of Florence,” the mother said.”
After hanging up with Aaron, the mother called her youngest child, Margaret.
“Margaret, I’m thinking of inviting all of you to spend a week in Tuscany.”
“Who do you mean by ‘all of you’?” Margaret asked.
“Well, it would be you and Rachel ….”
“That bitch. You’re asking if I would spend five minutes, let alone a week, with ….”
“Margaret, I understand the two of you have had your differences ….”
“What makes you think we don’t still have them?” the mother’s youngest daughter asked, defiantly.
“It’s been many years since the two of you shared a bedroom ….”
“To me, it feels like yesterday.”
“Don’t you think you could try ….”
“Try? You expect me to try to be civil with ….”
“Margaret, I won’t have an argument with you ….”
“She once said that all my friends were a bunch of losers, and now you expect me to spend seven days with ….”
“All I’m asking is that you set aside past differences. Perhaps this week will change things.”
“Until she apologizes ….”
“Let me speak with Rachel. In the meantime, would you help me to find a nice villa to accommodate all of us?”
After taking a couple of aspirins, the mother decided to call Nathan, her eldest son, and put off a possible confrontation with Rachel.
“Nathan, this is your mother ….”
“Can you hold for a moment, Mom. Betsy, hand me my pants. What were you saying, Mom?”
“Nathan, who’s Betsy? Is she your present wife?”
“Betsy? Hell no, Mom. Betsy’s our babysitter ….”
“You don’t have a baby, Nathan; why do you need a babysitter?”
“If you’re referring to my wife, her name is …. Betsy, let go; you’re making me hard. What was I telling you, Mom? Oh yes, my wife. Well, you see … Stop it, Betsy; I’ll get it in but you have to let go. Mom, you caught me at an awkward moment; can I call you back?”
After hanging up with Nathan, somewhat bewildered as to what that was all about, the mother called Rachel.
“Rachel, I just got off the phone with Nathan ….”
“Nathan? That asshole ….”
“That’s no way to talk about your brother ….”
“Well, he is. Who was he fucking?”
“Rachel! Watch your language, young lady, when you’re speaking with your mother ….”
“Then, don’t mention that asshole’s name. What is it you want, Mother?”
“I would like for all of us to spend a week together ….”
“Mother, why would you even think that I would spend ….”
“Rachel, you don’t even know what I’m proposing. Now, let me explain ….”
“Can you be quick? I have a very important Zoom meeting about to start.”
“I was thinking ….”
“Mother, can you please just tell me what you called for?”
“I’m trying ….”
“Well, just try a little faster … please.”
“I thought all of us ….”
“Who do you mean by ‘all of us’?”
“You, Aaron, Nathan, Nathan’s current wife ….”
“You can forget about her; lately, he’s been fucking his secretary.”
“Are you speaking about Betsy?”
“Betsy? Who’s Betsy? His secretary’s name is Vi.”
“Well then, perhaps I’ll exclude Nathan’s wife. Jeanne ….”
“Why her? Jeanne and Aaron are divorced, or don’t you remember?”
“I like Jeanne ….”
“We all do, but since their divorce, she’s no longer part of our family.”
“I still consider her a daughter ….”
“Are you saying that Jeanne is on the same footing as me?”
“I’m only saying that, as it’s my invitation, I think I should be able to invite whomever I like.”
“Will my kids be included?”
“No; nor Nathan’s ….”
“I should hope you wouldn’t include Nathan’s shitheads.”
“Rachel, I want it to be just my four children, Jeanne, and I thought, Nathan’s current wife ….”
“Who he’s not screwing ….”
“Young lady, ….”
“Mother, I have to go. Let’s discuss this another time.”
A moment later, the mother’s phone rang; it was Nathan.
“Sorry, Mom; you caught me at a bad time. Well, actually it was a pretty good time … he he he. So, what is it you wanted to tell me?”
“I want to take you and the others ….”
“Which others?”
“You children ….”
“What about the grandchildren? Are you forgetting I gave you four grandchildren?”
“Nathan, this is to be just you children … and, of course, your wife ….”
“Why Sybil? We haven’t had sex in five months.”
“Nathan, it’s not about sex ….”
“Then, what’s it about? Can you hurry; Betsy’s waiting.”
“Perhaps we should speak when you’re not preoccupied.” Baffled by her conversation with her son, the mother phoned Margaret.
“Margaret, have you found a villa that will accommodate all of us?” wondering who ‘all of us’ will be, after her conversations with Rachel and Nathan.
“There’s a beautiful small villa that I think will be perfect,” Margaret told her mother.
“Does it come with help? You know we’ll need a cook, a maid, a gardener — I assume the villa has gardens? — and a chauffeur.”
“The website says this villa comes with all that. On the ground floor, there’s a living room furnished with 18th century Italian antiques, a mahogany-paneled library, a billiard room ….”
“Excuse me?”
“It’s a room with a pool table, Mother. The kitchen is fully equipped.”
“How many bedrooms does it have, dear?”
“Five, Mother.”
“Five? Do you think that sufficient? I assume you’ll share a bedroom with Rachel ….”
“Never. Mother, I’ve told you. After what she said about me and my friends, we haven’t spoken in years. Why would you think we’d share a bedroom?”
“The two of you shared a bedroom growing up ….
“We’re no longer growing up, Mother.”
“Well then, perhaps you’ll share a bedroom with Jeanne, although I really thought Aaron and Jeanne would share ….”
“Mother, are you for real? They’re divorced. Why would you think they would share a bedroom?”
“They were married ….”
“And are now divorced.”
“I’ll ask Aaron. If you won’t share with Rachel, then the only solution would be for you to share with Jeanne. But then, who would share with Aaron?”
“Why does anyone have to?”
After her conversation with Margaret, the mother called Aaron.
“Margaret told me she found a lovely villa ….”
“But?”
“It has only five bedrooms. So, I thought ….”
“No, Mom, I’m not going to share with Jeanne. I know the way you think, and I understand that you are unwilling to accept that we are divorced. How do you think Jeanne would feel, if you suggested she share a bedroom with her former husband?”
“You two still get along.”
“Yes, and I want us to remain best of friends, but sharing a bedroom because Margaret was incapable or unwilling to find a villa with sufficient bedrooms to accommodate all of us — comfortably — is insufficient reason for putting Jeanne — not to mention, me — in an awkward position. So, no, I won’t and I won’t ask Jeanne to either.”
After ending her conversation with Aaron, the mother called Nathan back. Perhaps he would agree for his present wife to be left out of the family get-together.
“Nathan, this is your mother ….”
“Betsy, stop it; I’m on the phone with my mother. Go ahead Mother; what is it you wanted to ask?”
“I was thinking … it’s just a thought, mind you ….”
“Stop it, Betsy. I can’t concentrate.”
“… What if we don’t include what’s-her-name, you know, your current wife ….”
“Fuck, Betsy, you’re ….”
“Nathan, are you too busy to talk now?”
“No, Mother. You were saying?”
“If we don’t invite what’s-her-name, then you could share a bedroom with Aaron.”
“Mother, why the fuck would I want to share a bedroom with my brother? I’ll bring Betsy.”
Later that afternoon, an ambulance rushed the mother to the hospital. Her doctor examined her and checked her into the ICU, as she was suffering from phlebitis.
Spending time in the hospital, thinking, the mother decided. She called off her plans to spend time with her children in Tuscany. Instead, she booked a suite on the Icon of the Seas, to cruise around the world — alone.
E.P. Lande was born in Montreal, but has lived most of his life in the south of France and Vermont, where he now lives with his partner, writing and caring for more than 100 animals, many of which are rescues. Previously, he taught at l’Université d’Ottawa where he served as Vice-Dean of his faculty, and he has owned and managed country inns and free-standing restaurants. Lande’s stories are in publications spanning five continents.
RUNDELANIA 